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There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was
a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't
much like the idea of her screwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around.
He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos,
looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his
situation, to the old man.
"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos,
special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …" said the
old man, and then he stopped.
"Except what?" asked the businessman.
"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but
there is the 'voodoo dick,'" the old man said.
"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.
The
old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay
a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this
shop!"
The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick,
the door."
The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole
door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo
dick, get back in your box!"
The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.
The businessman said, "I'll take it!"
The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered
to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was
say, "Voodoo dick, my pussy."
He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.
After
he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but
then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch
and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
After three orgasms, she decided she'd
had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing
worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On
the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license,
and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a
voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said,
"Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"
Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike?
1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.
2. It's best to wear protective
head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.
3. You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until
you have a lot of experience.
4. It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.
5.
You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.
6. It's usually hard to control your speed the first
few times you try.
7. It's best to have a soft place to land.
8. You don't need any special clothing, but
you can get some if you are really into it.
9. If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually
best to slow down and wait for them.
10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.
11.
Once you learn, you never forget how.
12. If you fall off get right back on.
13. If you get a flat, try pumping
it back up.
14. Remember to signal before you change direction.
15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.
16. Sometimes it's nice to have a cushy seat.
17. Once you're over the top, you can just coast the rest of
the way.
18. That's why some of them are called Mountin' Bikes.
Three Guys Share A Bed
Three guys had to spend the night at a hotel and share a double bed.
In the morning, the
guy on the right said "I had this great dream last night, that a girl gave me a handjob"
The guy on the left replied
"That's weird so did I"
Finally, the guy in the middle said "Lucky for you guys...I only dream't I was skiing"
The Creation of a Pussy
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was
a butcher,
with smart wit,
using a knife,
he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter,
strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel,
he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor,
tall and thin,
by using red velvet,
he
lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter,
short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur,
he lined it without,
Fifth
was a fisherman,
nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher,
whose name was
McGee,
he touched it and blessed it,
and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor,
dirty little runt,
he sucked
it and fucked it,
and called it a cunt.
An Ode To Oral Sex
Penis breath, a lover's dread
Is what you get when you give head
Unpleasant as it
tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't pee
It's times like this, you wonder why
you bothered reaching for his
fly
But it's too late, can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your knees
You know you've got a job to do
So
open wide and shove it through
Lick the tip then take it all
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl
Slide up and
down, use your tongue
And feel the precum start to run
So when the fuck's he gonna cum
Just, when you can't take
anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roar
And when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throat
Salty, fishy, sticky, yuck!y stuff
Okay, already that's enough
Let's switch you say, before you gag
And what's
your revenge, your on the rag.
HAHAHAHA that joke was hilarious!!!!!
A Girls First Time
As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he
refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more
experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body
tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's
done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance.
You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As
he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle
of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but
you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within
you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad
to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most
rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
Naughty, Naughty!
Excuse me, What were you thinkin'?
That joke was for my GURL SONDI..... lmao
PICK UP LINES
Will you play army men with me.. so I can blow the hell out of you !
Your
daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.
Is it cold in here, or are you just happy to see
me.
Do you sleep on your stomach? No. Can I?
Wow! Are those real?
There must be a keg in your pants,
cuz I want to tap that ass.
I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
Excuse me, miss, do you give head
to strangers? No. Well, then, allow me to introduce myself.
True, there are a lot of fish in the sea, but you're the
only one I'd like to catch and mount back at my place.
Why do I have a pierced tongue? You'll soon find out.
Hey
baby, will you be my love buffet so I can lay you on the table and take what I want?
How about you sit on my lap and
we'll see what pops up?
I'd like to kiss you passionately on the lips, then move up to your belly button.
You
must work at Subway, 'cause you just gave me a footlong
A Blonde Buys A Dildo
One day this guy comes to work at a dildo shop. His boss leaves for the day and puts him in charge of the shop.
About an hour later a black haired lady comes in and asks "How much for your black dildos?"
The guy says "30
bucks"
"And how much for your white dildos?" asks the lady.
Again the man says "30 bucks for the black and
30 bucks for the white"
So she takes the black one and leaves.
A while later a brunette comes in to the store
and asks "How much for your white dildos?"
The man responds "30 bucks"
She asks "And how much for your black
dildos?"
"30 bucks for the white and 30 bucks for the black" replies the man.
So she takes the white one leaves.
About an hour later a blonde walks through the door and asks "How much are your dildos?"
The guys says "All
our dildos are 30 bucks"
Then she looks up behind the man on a shelf and ask "How much for that plaid one?"
The
man responds "Oh, that one is special. That will cost you $250"
The blonde agrees and takes it.
Later that
day the boss come back and asks "So what did you sell today?"
The man says "I sold a black dildo, a white dildo ,
and your thermous flask for $250!"
OUCH!
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.......................... This is For COrey he wanted to see this porno....now u can ....FUCKER